I would like to write a letter of complaint regarding your dating service. After coming across your service in your store the other day I decided to respond to one of your listings and see what happened. I mostly assumed I would not receive an answer but could post something cute on my tumblr, what actually happened was so much worse. I was surprised to receive a response:
Hello there! I don’t drink but I’d love to have a coffee or something with you. Would you happen to be busy tomorrow afternoon? Also, might we get to know each other a bit beforehand?
This response immediately raised several red flags: What kind of person doesn’t drink? Who has free time in the afternoon? Why doesn’t he have to be at work? Who gets to know someone before getting together to get to know someone? I texted a friend in concern:
Me: So I wrote an email to that guy from the Word personals and he wrote back and wants to meet but he doesn’t drink and I want to say no. What kind of person doesn’t drink? Recovering alcoholics?
Friend: And Mormons! Recovering alcoholics can make excellent boyfriends though, it can mean they’ve been through shitloads of therapy and got their lives together. As long as he doesnt mind you drinking… I say give him a shot!… Although, given who he listed as his favorite authors, he’s probably an annoying Brooklyn cliche.
Well, so like any woman of a certain age would do, I Googled him. At first I assumed I had googled the wrong person (it is amazing the amount of information you can find out about a complete stranger, like scary amounts of info…). There was no way this could be right:
Me: He’s into gangsta rap!?
Friend: Like… he makes his own?
Me: He writes about rap? And he’s allergic to all foods!! WHAT’S GOING ON?!?
Friend: You HAVE to go on a date with him. I want to hear the story.
So I googled some more to find out what a person who likes rap and is allergic to everything does….
Me: OMG. Maybe he doesn’t drink because HE IS TOO YOUNG TO BUY ALCOHOL!!!! There should be an age line on that stupid piece of paper!!
Me: OMG!!! I THINK HE”S STILL IN HIGH SCHOOL!!!
Me: AM I GOING TO JAIL?!?!?!
Friend: This is totally To Catch a Predator setup!
In conclusion, he said he was 18 and I told him we had shut it down. I am not Liz Lemon. Also in conclusion, WORD, maybe you should consider putting a line for age on your dating slips? Also-also in conclusion, I learned not to respond to tiny slips of paper. I am giving up New York, I will wait to date until I retire to Florida.
Ridiculous as ever,